...from my prayer journal...
I was hurriedly working around the house...trying to get a family of eight out for an earlier session at the huge conference we were attending almost each day that week...
Spraying down and curling up tight,pretty dark curls into a sweet hairdo with a flower, packing out a cooler filled with several meals and snacks to last us through into the last night hours, filling up backpacks with bible studies materials as well as props for our littlest flower as she played at our feet...slipping 6 boy legs into jeans that we had laid out the night before and finding shirts to match...cleaning up the dishes in the sink...shining up the counter as we headed out for the morning...giving Annie our Wonder Dog just ONE more hug and walk and begging her not to leave us "rewards" on the carpet for our absence like she had the previous day...of course glancing in the mirror for a ten minute fix...they are all in the car now and I am still running after last minute items and my forgotten purse...its upstairs...and ....as I run up the stairs...and in to my bedroom...
I see an unmade bed...and...
Some Christmas toys that had not been put back after a night and a morning's play...
Extra dishes have migrated to the sink!
There's a coffee cup from yesterday on my bathroom counter, and dog hair floating on the floor, clean clothing heaped up on the dresser awaiting its turn to be put away...just waiting for me to come home again... and a huge sigh begins to well up within me...
its a familiar one
...There I was weak and hurried and not knowing how to
make sense of time.
And, I spoke something out,
That may not be what I want
...painted all over with words...
but i said it anyway...
"I hate this!!"
"I have SUCH a MESSY Nest!!!"
And of course, what I was meaning was,
"I dislike you, Gillian, for being SUCH a MESS!! ~ How COULD You??!"
And in that moment,
I can feel it as if it were right NOW,
for it is one of those NOW moments in which HE comes
and walks HIS Truth into MY Now...
In that moment, YOU,God, YOU gave me a picture of many
Soft Feathers -- Piled Up in a Colorful Heap
In a nest
I saw them.
And I felt the gentle sound of your laughter and your pleasure all around me.
I REALLY Heard YOU say,
"I love your messy nest."
And, shocked I replied,
I REALLY did!
"But, God, How could you love THIS? It's awful!! It's a wreak!! It's SO out of sorts!!!"
And YOU said back.
"I love your messy nest. This is JUST the place where I want to grow them. Where I am growing you."
"I love you."
And, like my Sarah our "great" of grandmothers,
And my heart danced back with smiles, now so much lighter, because of the One who smiled down all over me and hugged me in my midst.
I carried this sweet revelation with me down the stairs and out the door as I got in the car...and saw YOUR smile again as I peered in the rear-view window at those crazy, precious chickies in my nesty car...
I hovered closely over this bit of NOW Word woven into my every day.
And, in this, I became ever so much more knitted into "likeness" to YOUR heart and mind...
For, newly, I understood in this moment that,
What I often criticize, YOU LOVE!!
And, I can be MORE Critical and way "OFF" of what is true than THE MOST HIGH!!
I can not see what YOU love until my eyes are opened..
So, also, I can too easily turn to criticizing what is beauty
and ascribing value to the lesser things...
Give me eyes to see...what is real...
And ears to hear YOU when YOU speak...